just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
