I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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