She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
