I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
