Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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