I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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