someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
