arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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