shes about as inviting as chlamydia
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
