if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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