I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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