you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
