yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
