I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Rumble strips road head = magical
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
