she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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