Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
