One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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