Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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