Tell her she can't have a vagina
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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