Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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