oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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