I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
