Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
