god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
