How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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