I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
