there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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