hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
