Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
