If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
