I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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