In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Less talking, more tequila
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
