well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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