So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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