If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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