you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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