you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
