He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
