yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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