Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
