Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
