Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
