also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
