Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
