i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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