You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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