She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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