My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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