When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
