Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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