There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
