The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
